I love people, but I get physically tired being with people. Being an obese child, teen, adult for decades I was hurt by bullies, family members telling me I was lazy and lacked will power, hurt being the last one called for a team during PE class.
I had low self-esteem so I did many hobbies, interests by myself or with my 1-2 friends. I also discovered as a youngster being left alone while my parents worked I could eat whatever I wanted, when I wanted. I learned at an early age that me and my food addiction did much better in isolation. I didn’t have to tell anyone how much I was hurting physically and emotionally. I could lie to myself that I was just fine having no friends. I could lie to myself that I enjoyed being alone by myself, having few friends. When I got married and had four children, it really brought out my anger and rage. It was a struggle to love and care for my children the way they deserved AND live in my disease of compulsive overeating. My disease always won out. I had so much self loathing, shame, and guilt.
My oldest son went through drug and alcohol treatment when he was 18. We were talking one day about his recovery. As I listened to him I realized my compulsive overeating wasn’t just a lack of willpower, but a disease. There was help for me! I got into 12 step 0A program but spent years trying to make it work “my way”. I would lose weight, relapse, lose weight, relapse.
Last fall, I returned to attending church consistently. It has been beneficial to my recovery program. It keeps reiterating the message to have a power greater than myself to trust and rely on. At my church, I have begun doing service and connecting with others. Like my 12 step OA program I feel welcomed, wanted, not judged, but accepted. I’m discovering I do enjoy being with others and healthy food is fuel for my body. I look forward to the friends I have made.
At the end of June and the beginning of July we were gone for two weeks celebrating our son and new daughter-in-law as they married. We also traveled 15 hours to the coast of Georgia to meet our new great granddaughter. Not once did I think about food between meals, think about sneaking food, eat food between meals, eat food with others before going to bed. While on the road, I didn’t buy food at gas stations to reward myself for being a good passenger or for driving several hours without stopping. Life was still going on around me, but my HP was keeping me focused on one moment at a time to do the next right thing. I surrendered and let my HP take the wheel.
I realized something I did different during the two weeks we were gone compared to previous vacations. I stayed focused on God and my recovery program. I didn’t take a vacation from my program. I took uninterrupted time each morning and evening to be with God. It gave me time I needed for me so I could be fully engaged with the family that I truly love. That time I took with God was a life saver. God gives me everything I need when I’m honest, open, willing.
I had a great time being with people because I was taking care of myself the way God desires.
With a grateful heart,
Sue S.
Disclosure: personal stories express the experience, strength, and hope of the individual member and not of OA as a whole.