In thinking about writing this article, I realized that I haven’t wanted to think about it. Having always had a fear of the blank page, it makes me anxious to get started. What if it’s not perfect? What if I have nothing to say? So, the task goes from list to list, and the procrastination continues.
I have been actively working on my fourth step the Big Book step study way. It’s been a couple of years, a long process. It’s hard to make a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself, but I have been tackling it, even if it’s only a short while on most days. I have always heard “just put the pen on the paper.” My sponsor says, “Just five minutes everyday.” I am not perfect, I try. Program teaches me to keep trying, to show up, to act as if. Program teaches me that I don’t have to be perfect, that I am not in charge of the outcome. It’s hard to recognize how little control I have over most things, that I am powerless. It is hard to admit that I am judgmental, opinionated, and selfish. It’s hard to recognize that not everyone thinks like me and that they are entitled to be who they are.
One of the important things I have received from being in OA is freedom. Freedom from the compulsion to overeat. Freedom from the feeling of being out of control. Freedom to be whoever I am without the need to be perfect, without the need to hold on to the old lies I tell myself. It has taught me that I am good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, friendly enough, likable enough, creative enough. I don’t have to be a great athlete, a great writer, a great project person. Program has taught me that so much of the need to be perfect, I put on myself. I have learned that I can do the action and then turn it over to something greater than myself. I am not in charge. While old insecurities may never totally disappear, I don’t have to cling to them as if they are some kinds of life raft. So, I write. I’m not sure I meant to say any of this, but this is where my pen led me.