Step 8. Made a list of all persons we have harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. Alcoholics Anonymous, page 59.

Holding my pen in hand I asked God to help me be fearless and thorough and show me the truth, and I got it. In the writing of my 4th and 10th Step inventories I clearly saw the truth of how I operated in the world trying to run the show without God. Now in Step 8 I am being asked to write down all those whom I have harmed and become WILLING to make amends. I looked up the word “willing” in the dictionary and one of the definitions that I thought fit for me was “ready to accept or tolerate.” This is not an action I really wanted to take because I did not want to look back at my harms and feel the guilt, shame, etc. Wasn’t it enough I had written it all down and confessed it to my sponsor in Steps 4 and 5? Yet, Steps 6 and 7 made it possible for me to go on with the process because my new Employer was going to sort it all out.

Taking my list from my inventories, my sponsor asked me to sit on it a couple of days to see if anything else needed to be added. Perhaps someone I didn’t have a resentment towards but whom I had harmed. The thought came to me how my animals needed to be on the list because I was not a good caregiver for them and was not a good steward of the earth. So armed with the facts, as I knew them at the time, I became willing and continue with trusting the process as I move forward.

Thank You Dear God my Friend, and so it is, blessed be.
Michaeline

Step 9 Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Having made my list and determined when and how I would begin making amends. I started with a few people I knew currently. It mostly went well. My amends were accepted and all was forgiven. Thankfully my relationships continued on a more honest and comfortable basis. There were many on my list who had passed away, so what could I do? I wrote letters to them. For my parents, I went to their gravesite, sat down and read my amends letter to them. I had plenty of regrets for things I said and did, and those I didn’t say and do. But as I learned in OA, I couldn’t live in the past in regret or resentment, I could make my amends and move on. And so I have done that as best I can. There were a few people who refused my amends, refused to even talk with me. I really tried, but they were adamant about not wanting to hear whatever I had to say. Difficult to accept, but I have. Not everyone will love and accept me! I’ve learned through this process to clean up the past as best I could and to focus today on doing the best I can, being the best person I can be. I pray for patience, tolerance and kindness and then I act that way. How my life and relationships have changed! Today I use all 12 steps to keep myself in on track physically, spiritually and emotionally. Acceptance is the key…knowing what I can change versus what I can’t has made the difference. Thank you God for OA and the peace and serenity I have been granted.
Barbara Ann, Recovering COA