I’ve just celebrated one year of abstinence and have released 107 lbs after joining OA at over 400 lbs. It seems I’ve had an issue with food for as long as I can remember.
Before kindergarten, I fell off an unstable chair because I was trying to reach candy, which was on the top of the refrigerator; I knocked out one of my baby teeth. What I remember was shame.
When I was 8, while on a camping trip, I caused a fight between family because I asked for a second piece of cake. My brother looked at me and said, “They’re fighting because of YOU”. What I remember was shame.
Food actually wasn’t my problem. It was my solution. I ate when I was happy, sad, angry, or lonely. Food kept me from feeling any intense emotions. Food took away my pain–until it didn’t. I have probably been on more diets than anyone you’ll ever meet. Lost 20 pounds, gained 40, lost 60, gained 120, lost 150 and gained more.
At any family gathering, you could find me seated at the dining room table, close to the food. I can’t remember either of my siblings being there. They didn’t seem to have the issues I had with food. I was the kid who seemed to feel every kind of emotion too intensely. I overheard my Mom tell my brother and sister, “Do not make your sister cry”.
I had a very twisted way of thinking. I was convinced if no one saw me eat, then those calories did not count.
I spent most of my days trying not to eat and when I got home, I overate at dinner. And on days when I didn’t make it thru the day not eating, I broke down and made a purchase from a vending machine. I was always going to make up tomorrow for overeating today.
In mid-May of 2023, I finally threw up my hands and admitted I was powerless. Diets no longer worked. Every diet I tried failed. Why could I not eat just one? I didn’t have the answer, but my Higher Power, God, did.
I woke up having had a spiritual awakening. The first thing I noticed was the crazy chatter in my head was gone. My first thought was not about food. And the food felt neutral.
I made some basic guidelines for my abstinence: 2 healthy meals with the option for a 3rd meal, No snacks, No eating after 8 pm. There is a beginning and an end to each meal.
I believe my Higher Power got me to that first phone meeting. I heard voices that shared my story. I was no longer alone.
I’d like to think my awakening happened quickly and it really did once I got to OA, but since I’m 63 years old, it might not have happened as quickly as I’d have liked. I’m glad I’m here and I’m staying.
One of the first speakers I listened to had what I wanted and I asked her to be my sponsor. She is a great sponsor, but not my God. My Higher Power is my God. Food is no longer my God.
I start the day asking God what we are doing today because I don’t have a clue.
I put all my worries in a God Box. I end the day saying thank you for another day of abstinence.
After losing a lot of weight, I would always find that I’d begin to gain back the weight. The last time this happened, I thought why can’t let anyone see that I am falling. And why don’t they help me? Thanks to OA, I know that doesn’t ever have to happen again.