How do I see my self? What is the perception I have of me?
Some mornings I get up and feel so wonderful. I feel happy. I smile. I enjoy my cup of BBBJ. I do love my shower and then I get dressed. In my bathroom, there is a full length mirror. So, some days I look in the mirror and I see Tom Selleck looking back at me and some days I see Chris Farley looking back at me. Yep, some days I feel like I lost weight, I hit the gym hard and I look good. Then there are the days that I look in that horrible mirror that changes me and everything into a blob.
So, did I really physically change? No, I just have to deal with the fat kid that used to live in my body. At one time that kid weighed over 325 pounds. Today, it was 208. It’s pretty much been that weight for over 20 years. The body changed but probably the most important part is the mind. That is the hardest thing to change. It still sees that fat boy-That boy that didn’t control his intake of any and all foods- That boy that ran slower than the other boys. -That boy that wrestled in High School in the “Unlimited” weight class.
The best thing I think I may have ever done was join a program that has kept my issues we face. Sometimes I refer to it as mental scarring, those memories that live in our mind, and the hurt that those memories contain. Sometimes I look back and say, “I don’t have to be that anymore, and my day takes off on the positive.
By working my program, I actually now stay for the sanity it gives me, the positives I’ve learned, the positive relationships I’ve established, the way I look at myself most of the time. Today I see myself mostly in positive mental pictures rather than the negative images I used to have, not just my body but the look in my eyes. Yes, there will always be that ebb and flow with emotion and our mental attitude but eventually, if we work for it, the sanity and reality take over. No, it’s not perfect but it sure is a great progression, one I hope never stops.
All I have to do is keep coming back and be resolute in my dedication to my program.